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  • Writer's pictureHeather Mattoon


Updated: May 16, 2020

Bewilderment. That is the word that describes my state of being today.

Frail and bewildered as I go and just barely wade through the day. Finding myself stopping to realize that I need to breath a nice deep breath. Finding it a confusing challenge to get through preparing and making a meal to eat. Feeling so very tired... a fog beyond despair it seems.

I feel like a very old lady wandering around confused in a nursing home, bumping into things, not really knowing what's going on, just looking for a soft place to lay down and rest.

But, gosh am I so incredibly grateful that I live with someone nice, who stops to chat and lovingly check in, as it takes me nearly 20 minutes to make a juice. Washing the carrots in a dream like state, cutting off the ends, I have no idea where I put them, placing some celery one by one into a bowl, staring up at the 5 baby finches stretching out little wings in the nest above the door.

Grateful to have this gentle nudge from somewhere inside to embrace this slowing down and shift. To turn more openly toward the angels all around.

The soothing phone call with a friend, her words like a healing balm, the occasional talks with my housemate, reaching out to her mom for help, reaching out for weekend help in the garden, allowing Zoe and Grace to come over before I woke up to help clean and fold my laundry so that the day wasn't immediately overwhelming. Taking the time to massage my skin with sweet almond oil. Taking the time to feel the gratitude from receiving loving donations. Taking the time to carefully consider everything. Taking the time to appreciate the care that is going into this blog made on this computer set up, which I love, in front of the couch in the middle of this sacred temple of healing that is taking stronger shape every day. This gentle nudge and reassurance that I do have loving and tender care all around.

The generous and loving support and care from my aunt, the communication with my mom and how she is helping me so much, sending cat food, sending cushions for the pool stairs, ordering a sheepskin throw for my bed, making sure that I have the tracking number, lovingly keeping an eye on things.

The nudge to embrace it all. From my inner angel. Watching the effects from the wind. The protected rose, the sheltered baby birds, the clearing all around.

Letting go of my shame for getting to this stage. Letting it go with the wind. Welcoming the shift into allowing the nurturing back. I stretch out my arms, humbly open my heart and say Welcome, I'm Here. Thank you. I love you, please take my hand and show me what to do.

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