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  • Writer's pictureHeather Mattoon

BALANCING WITH HONOR


Thank you for reading, I hope that you are feeling peaceful at this moment.

The last post that I wrote was charged with a lot of pain and frustration.

I wanted to share with people, what I have been experiencing, how hard its been...painful and frustrating and very scary.

After I posted what I wrote and reread it from a more public perspective, I quickly realized that I need to bring some balance to my outward expression. For myself, and for everything that seeks more balance.


Even though Ive been laying in bed for the majority of my time the past 5 months due to indescribable pain and discomfort from sitting up, I still have been able to appreciate things on a day to day basis and Id like to attempt to share some of things with you now.


What happens when so much is stripped away from a person, I find that I reach a certain depth that even the tiniest thing can feel like a savior from despair.

The light shining through the window hitting the leaf of a plant making it appear as its glowing.

The perfect song in a moment that creates an opening into a transcendent state.

A visitor to the bird bath.

A visitor with a mango.

A warm hug from someone that cares about me.


Most of the time I am here alone.

for about 3-4 days a week I will have a helper come over for two hours to assist in emptying garbage, prepping some food, helping to keep my environment fresh, sometimes take me to an appointment like tomorrow, when I go to get another MRI for my pelvis this time.

Im going to need gentle but strong help up into the car, and then onto the MRI table.

Im very grateful that one of my helpers is a friend that Ive enjoyed getting to know more through the years. He will help me to the MRI and we will watch movies in the waiting room. Josh is gentle and patient with a fun sense of humor. He brings into my space from out there in the world, lovely fashion sense, little stories of fun from swap meets, interactions with interesting people, new treasures to describe, music to share.


A woman who helps me, and has for almost 2 years now, often brings me a sense of nurturing that one might get from a sister or a loving parent. I also appreciate this immensely and sometimes feel open enough to cry. She spends a couple of hours here going around and cleaning and arranging things in a soft manner, she talks about the trees with me. The warmth of the sun, how it feels to be a sensitive one in the world today.


Id also like to honor John, my friend who was just diagnosed with ALS.

We met in Ojai before he had so many of the symptoms for the condition. No one knew at that time. He has always been so kind and supportive with encouragement that one would hope for from a father or an older wiser loved one. Curious about how Im doing, offering a helping hand whenever he can. He still is supportive of me even now. Even after he is processing having this new diagnosis. We talk on the phone and share stories and the frustrations of feeling limited and dependent on others, and hopes for the world, and contemplations on suffering, aging, life, shoes, and natural pain relief gadgets.


Ive been doing breath work exercises at night before bed, to help myself find a peaceful state to fall asleep easier.

I imagine light and energy going up my spine to the top of my head and then up and out and around and back up through my spine.

Sometimes, while my eyes are closed I will see flashes of lights.

I was listening to a woman talk about how she does Kriya yoga breathing meditation at night to consciously leave her body and visit the void. The place where everything comes from she says. Where some go after they die unless they choose to immediately come back reincarnated.

I honestly do not know how it works, but I enjoy the way she speaks.

That is one thing that definitely helps me feel soothed.

Feeling experientially that I am more than just my physical body.

That my experience of consciousness will continue after this body dies.

I long to feel a sense of freedom without feeling this physical limitation and chronic pain.

I do know that I have a sense of peace and love and freedom underlying my incarnation now, but I do still feel the physical bodies pain and it is starting to make me feel crazy.


A new helper in my life just brought over a Hoyer lift that was donated to a medical charity organization. Its an amazing gift to receive, I had been hoping that it would help me get in and out of the water tub, outside and inside, instead of me having to pull and twist and bang up my body getting in and out on my own. Well, it is here, and it is large and ... it won't work for me. It only works front loading weight, there is no option for it to swivel to the side. I won't be able to use it with either of the tubs I have.

This small thing to some, is enormous for me. If I had a towel I would throw it in today.

I moved to this room in the foothills of Ventura, because it was close to a pool with a lift. This is my number one priority in life, and I thought I could more easily set it up to use the pool and it's much more complicated than I had initially anticipated. Costly and challenging. The member ship fees and then hiring someone on top of that to take me over is much harder. It would cost me 1300 the first year for membership and 500 a month for the help, that's almost 50 dollars a swim, and not even a long swim, maybe 25 minutes a time.

I am at this point, ready to start letting go of even more physical possessions, and moving myself somehow to a cheaper location, with a pool with a lift On-site. It has been 3 years now searching for this type of a place. I needed to come here because my rent was way too much in Ojai. But if I don't leave here within the next 6 months, I will not survive much longer without being able to conveniently and accessibly move my body in the water.

This is why, waking up to see that the Hoyer lift does not swivel sideways, has me feeling incredibly defeated again. And just a tad more crazy enough to start making plans to move myself no matter how hard and painful it may be. Im trying to save my life.


Im grateful to have the help from those I do, and am open to more. Sending love and honor all the way out there as far as it goes.


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