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  • Writer's pictureHeather Mattoon


Updated: May 22, 2020

A friend drove me to see the ocean today.

I’ve spent a very long time trying to escape the reality of my situation

and I’m too tired now to keep running away.

But also, it’s so painful. Facing my life.

The ocean landscape’s colors soothe me.

The smell of it all.

I told my friend that before I die I really want to live closer to the equator somewhere. I feel that if I have one wish that’s what it would be.

To live by the warm fresh water and sea, where the trees and animals and earth is rich with vitality, like a drum beating like a stronger heart beat.

To eat fresh fruits bananas and papayas and melon and rice and vegetables all day and to be helped into the lagoon or sea to swim.

The salt water hugging my skin and hair falling asleep under a mosquito net with a fire lit outside nearby.

I am trying to create some sort of a better reality for myself here.

Not escaping, with various coping mechanisms, but refining whats around me so that I don’t want to run away.

I have made softer places for myself to lay.

I have taken more salt baths, and getting help into the pool when I can.

Doing my best to keep the fresh produce coming in, feeling the pulse of the earth, the elements.

I don’t want to scare anyone in talking about all of this... what I want to do before I die etc.

I am experiencing now more than ever, how much care I need to stay healthy and it is something I have sort of been in denial of for a long time.

No longer can I pretend, and it rushes in and has me feeling a swirling sense of urgency.

Processing out loud to anyone that will listen, I am scared.

This is not what I want to experience.

This pain, the challenges, the atrophy, the need to take care of myself like a baby.

Moment to moment.

Feeling into the love.

Refining my environment little by little.

To feel what my spirit wants to feel.

The ocean, care, fresh fruits, warmth, nature, a drum beating a stronger heart beat.

Thank you for reading.

Sending you support

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