HONORING HELP AND HONORING RECEIVING
Thank you for reading.
It feels wonderful to be creating this special space to write, to share and to attempt to put the right words to it all.
I feel that there are some trust issues from my past, from growing up, which has made it more challenging to accept and fully embrace the help and assistance from others.
It stemmed into a need to feel in control too often, feeling that I would be better off just taking care of myself, trying to make everything work on my own. It is impossible and painful to live that way.
This is something that has been shifting over the past year or so, this inability to truly receive what has been offered, to trust that it is coming from a genuine source of love and not something manipulative or dangerous somehow.
My heart has felt safer to stay open, with the work that done diligently, the surrendering and feeling the emotions of overwhelm when something beautiful is taking place, such as an offering of help for me from some amazingly compassionate human. I surrender my tension, and disbelief, and try and melt into the gift and the love from where it came. Allowing myself to overflow with the gratitude that I know is absolutely necessary to honor this process. Most of the time it comes out like crying, turning into sobbing, like a child. It's like I can hardly handle how beautiful it is, to feel this care, this love this concern from someone for my well being.
Thoughts like "Do I deserve this?!" "Am I good enough to receive this?" "Do I owe something now?" "How can I properly thank them?" and I just listen and am there, for my heart, to feel and for my body to release these stories, and I am there, like a loving guardian, to soothe and breath slowly and deep. Integrating the fact that it is ok to accept this gift. That I am deserving of a comfortable life experience and if someone wants to help me get closer to having what I need, then, that is beautiful... not something to question. So I breathe all of that in, my heart is open, I surrender to the love and I am there to show myself after it all that "Look, we are safe" and we are being looked after of and we are important enough to deserve care.
I am getting better at this.
I am working on writing about some of those who have been so helpful. It is a part of this experience, to learn how to honor the help, to honor the receiving, to be able to genuinely and wholeheartedly express the immense gratitude and love that is here because of it.