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  • Heather Mattoon

SLOW AND STEADY


I woke up from a dream about a tiger and a dog taking turns chasing each other down a long trail.

I was observing the cadence of their pace and how eventually one caught up with the other to make its supposed conquest.

I woke up, after the gruesome sight of blood and knowledge of pain, because I didn't want to be a witness to it anymore.

When I returned back to waking, saw my bed and began to reflect on what my subconscious had brought forth, I said in my mind "slow and steady wins the race".

This puzzled me that I said this and I went back to sleep.

Puzzled me because slow and steady to win in this case meant to finally take over and take down the target of the hunt.

Why would I think that and why would that be a goal for me, regarding what?

Who and what is who and what in the case?

Every night for the past few nights I have been dreaming several dreams, but actually waking up between each one to reflect.

First to get out of the dream because it had gotten to a point that I couldn't stomach any longer, and then moments to reflect until I drifted back into slumber again.


It seems interesting in a way, however I am finding myself continuously exhausted.

Why can't I just stay asleep and change the dream or let it play out or stop it some other way?

The inability to sleep throughout the night for hours at a time over the past decade has really caught up with me and I find it very difficult to convey to others if they have no experience with what loss of sleep does to you.

I feel very old.

It's ok. I am coming to terms with all of this slowly.

I know that we each have incredibly different experiences.

I wish to be more and more of a compassionate witness to this particular life and all that is.


I'm learning so much through this... exhaustion.

Through these days of silent contemplation.

Wanting to go deeper into that well of wisdom that is my essence of this life.

And I want to share.

I want to share because I feel that it would be beautiful for us all to truly inspect what it is to have whatever experience we are having and attempt to put words to it.

So that we may become more educated and familiar with all of the various facets of this whole and come closer to an unconditional love.

I am one person here, writing, and loving to.

And I'm glad I love to because it's really all I have the energy for!

I made a soup, that took up quite a lot, I took care of Edgar, played with him, gave him arthritis supplements, cuddled with him in bed so he could have a power nap of nourishment, that took some time... I cleaned, I stretched, I listened to an interview.


Now I write.

The sound of my fingers tapping on the keyboard.

The stream of consciousness free form layout.

I hear the birds outside and feel my eyelids heavy on my head.

I'm doing the best that I can.


The photo above is from a bike trip that I took in Europe circa 2003.

I built the tiny sculpture in one of the most cherished vineyards in Burgundy France.

I can't believe I cycled around 9 different countries for almost a year.

Honestly I can't believe I'm still alive.

I'm so tired, but it's still beautiful.

Soup next.

Slow and steady...

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